watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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