I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Terrible idea I love it
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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