Sorry, I don't speak sober.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
