i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
