8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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