Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
