Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
