At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
