You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
