She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
