Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Dick very happy bro
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
