Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
