No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
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And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
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dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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