Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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