I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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