I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
