about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
