Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
