it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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