Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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