he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
