listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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