I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
