I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
