Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
