His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
