Four minutes until I can fart!
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
