meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
