he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
