I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
