you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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