Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
