trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
