New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
