My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
