Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
