remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
do herpes really smell.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
