oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
this hospital has no fireball
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
