No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
