And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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