My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
