They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
