In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
