And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I need a beard to bite.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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