I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
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Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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