Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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