i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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