We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
