I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
there's paper in my vomit.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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