omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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