did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
