marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
