Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
