oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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