so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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