I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
