Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
