I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
