my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I think I am morally bankrupt
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
