mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i believe in u and ur pee
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
