before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
